Letters of sympathy must be one of the most difficult and nerve-wracking things to write and send. It is difficult to know exactly what to say to ensure that sympathy and empathy is expressed, without risking causing further distress through accidental tactfulness or making mistakes.
The following guidelines are designed to support someone in writing a kind and sympathetic letter of condolence while steering the writer away from some basic errors which can actually heighten someone’s distress, rather than alleviating it.
Do Write to the Person Concerned
So many people, in the event of a bereavement, shy away form expressing their feelings and sympathising that the bereaved person is at risk of feeling very isolated. It is less important what is put in the letter, than the actual act of writing itself. It is so important to show that the person who has suffered the loss is not alone.
Avoid Certain Statements
There are a few statements which should never be mentioned, even if that’s how the writer feels at the time. Keep away form the following:
- I know how you feel – No-one can ever know exactly how the bereaved person feels, and to say so belittles the very personal and intimate nature of their grieving process. Instead, say something along the lines of ‘I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but I do know you must be going through a very difficult time’.
- This will pass – No grieving person wants to hear that the vast and empty grief they are feeling will pass in time. This is a cliché and should be avoided at all costs.
- You never really liked him/her anyway – Grief can make relationships feel very different than they did when the deceased person was alive. Statements like this, rather than providing support, will simply make the person who has suffered a loss feel guilty and even worse than they did before.
- Snap out of it – Grieving is a long, hard and arduous path, which could take weeks, months or even years. The person concerned needs to be given the time space and sympathy to deal with the process sin their own way. Becoming frustrated or annoyed will only serve to make matters much worse.
Great Statements to Include in the Letter
- I am always here for you. Letting the grieving person know that you will be there day or night if they need to talk can do so much to alleviate symptoms of isolation and loneliness. Just knowing that they have someone there for them will work wonders.
- No-one could have done more for him/her than you did – Many people feel strong feelings of guilt when they lose someone close to them, and worry that they did not do enough, love enough, talk enough or see the person as often as they should have. By letting them know that someone is proud of their relationship with the deceased and feels that they were a good companion, spouse or friend can go a long way to alleviating these feelings of guilt.
- They loved you – this is imperative for a grieving person to know. It is a fundamental part of any relationship or friendship, and will help the grieving person through the process, knowing that they were loved by the person whom they have lost.
- There are a lot of resources out there to help you, in your unique situation – put the person concerned in touch with facilities and resources such as CRUSE bereavement services, so they know that there is always someone there who can provide a sympathetic ear, counselling or simply a hug when they feel low or desperate.
With sympathy and understanding, a letter written to someone suffering a bereavement can work miracles in letting them know that they are not alone, and they are cared about. Above all, offer them time to work through their grief and always be there for them.
Further Resources:
CRUSE bereavement care charity – provides ongoing support and therapy for those who have suffered a loss in their lives.
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